I was definitely thrilled to usher in a new year last night because 2012 was not one of my highlights. I have been through a lot this year, and while all that has happened has certainly allowed for some growth and change, it still was not the path I thought my life was going to take. I don’t want to go too far into it, except to say that the end of my marriage definitely shaped this past year more than any other one event, but now I am looking toward the future and can only imagine that things will get better.
I have been doing a fair amount of journal writing in actual journals and in my actual handwriting recently, beginning in the second half of 2012. As I have mentioned before, I have been seeing a therapist since January, and a lot of what we talk about eventually gets into my journal as a type of debriefing. I have to say that seeking out therapy was probably the best thing I did for myself in 2012, and I am fortunate that my employer’s EAP made it so easy for me. Every time I sit across from my therapist, I learn something new, and I always leave her office feeling better than I did when I arrived.
Last night, I went to the pages of my journal to flesh out some New Year’s Resolutions for myself, and I thought I would blog about some of them. I did not make blogging more often one of those resolutions, but I do find some benefit to continuing to maintain this blog in whatever way I am able, so maybe this will be the year for that? Anything is possible! Anyway, for the last few years, my overall resolution has been that this would be the year I would get my shit together. And I have been successful at this in varying degrees every year, but I still find myself with a lot of stuff that I want to work on.
Like many women (and I guess many people in general, but I cannot speak for the men), I tend to be really hard on myself. I give a lot of power to my “inner mean girl,” who is telling me things that I would certainly never say to another person. Therefore, one of my goals in 2013 is take back some of that power so that I can learn to listen to and trust my inner voice (and listen to my gut) and FORGIVE myself for all the things that I seem to think I have done wrong in the past. I will remind myself over and over again, as many times as it takes, that I am ENOUGH and that I don’t need to be any more than I am right in this moment. I am good enough. I work hard enough. I give enough. I am worth enough to expect good things to happen to me. I don’t deserve unhappiness or loneliness or emptiness. I deserve to have a full and satisfying life.
I have been working on food issues and money issues for several years now, and they persist. Therefore, this year, I will work toward no longer using food to numb myself or punish myself. I will snowball my debt instead of adding to it. I will take time for physical activity and work to advance my yoga practice. I will let myself feel my feelings, and I will use my journal to get those feelings out of my head. I will ask for help when I need it. I will continue to go to therapy. I will work to embrace the present and realize that it is pointless to dwell in the past or to worry about the future.
My therapist thinks I need to go on vacation. I don’t know that this is the year that will happen, but I do want to spend more time unplugged. I want to limit my “mindless” time, whether it be time on the internet or time in front of the TV or time wandering around the grocery store. I want to be more engaged in the world around me. I want to read more. I want to hug more. I want to remember that I don’t need to know everything that goes on in every conversation in every place that I am.
This is a LONG list that has MANY things on it, but I think it is all inter-related. Forgiving myself will lead to me realizing that I am enough, which will take away the need to numb or punish myself with food and shopping, which will allow me to listen to my gut and ask for help when I need it and keep me open to all the amazing things that come my way. After two difficult years, 2013 is going to be the Year of Mary! I can’t wait to see what it holds!
Sounds like an awesome year ahead! If you need to talk, email me and we can exchange phone numbers…the end of my first marriage was a shock and really helped shape me, after the pain.