I was definitely thrilled to usher in a new year last night because 2012 was not one of my highlights. I have been through a lot this year, and while all that has happened has certainly allowed for some growth and change, it still was not the path I thought my life was going to take. I don’t want to go too far into it, except to say that the end of my marriage definitely shaped this past year more than any other one event, but now I am looking toward the future and can only imagine that things will get better.
I have been doing a fair amount of journal writing in actual journals and in my actual handwriting recently, beginning in the second half of 2012. As I have mentioned before, I have been seeing a therapist since January, and a lot of what we talk about eventually gets into my journal as a type of debriefing. I have to say that seeking out therapy was probably the best thing I did for myself in 2012, and I am fortunate that my employer’s EAP made it so easy for me. Every time I sit across from my therapist, I learn something new, and I always leave her office feeling better than I did when I arrived.
Last night, I went to the pages of my journal to flesh out some New Year’s Resolutions for myself, and I thought I would blog about some of them. I did not make blogging more often one of those resolutions, but I do find some benefit to continuing to maintain this blog in whatever way I am able, so maybe this will be the year for that? Anything is possible! Anyway, for the last few years, my overall resolution has been that this would be the year I would get my shit together. And I have been successful at this in varying degrees every year, but I still find myself with a lot of stuff that I want to work on.
Like many women (and I guess many people in general, but I cannot speak for the men), I tend to be really hard on myself. I give a lot of power to my “inner mean girl,” who is telling me things that I would certainly never say to another person. Therefore, one of my goals in 2013 is take back some of that power so that I can learn to listen to and trust my inner voice (and listen to my gut) and FORGIVE myself for all the things that I seem to think I have done wrong in the past. I will remind myself over and over again, as many times as it takes, that I am ENOUGH and that I don’t need to be any more than I am right in this moment. I am good enough. I work hard enough. I give enough. I am worth enough to expect good things to happen to me. I don’t deserve unhappiness or loneliness or emptiness. I deserve to have a full and satisfying life.
I have been working on food issues and money issues for several years now, and they persist. Therefore, this year, I will work toward no longer using food to numb myself or punish myself. I will snowball my debt instead of adding to it. I will take time for physical activity and work to advance my yoga practice. I will let myself feel my feelings, and I will use my journal to get those feelings out of my head. I will ask for help when I need it. I will continue to go to therapy. I will work to embrace the present and realize that it is pointless to dwell in the past or to worry about the future.
My therapist thinks I need to go on vacation. I don’t know that this is the year that will happen, but I do want to spend more time unplugged. I want to limit my “mindless” time, whether it be time on the internet or time in front of the TV or time wandering around the grocery store. I want to be more engaged in the world around me. I want to read more. I want to hug more. I want to remember that I don’t need to know everything that goes on in every conversation in every place that I am.
This is a LONG list that has MANY things on it, but I think it is all inter-related. Forgiving myself will lead to me realizing that I am enough, which will take away the need to numb or punish myself with food and shopping, which will allow me to listen to my gut and ask for help when I need it and keep me open to all the amazing things that come my way. After two difficult years, 2013 is going to be the Year of Mary! I can’t wait to see what it holds!