I have said on more than one occasion that I am an advertiser’s dream. I am always looking for the greatest new thing to try in a variety of areas of my life. Someone mentions a new lipgloss? Off to Target I go. I read that a steam cleaner will make cleaning my floors a breeze? I am off to buy one (I actually bought a hand-me-down from a friend in that instance.). New flavor of chips? Let me try it. When BB creams came on the scene last year? I tried every option I could find in the drug store (before ultimately sticking with Garnier, which was the first brand I tried). And now I am trying REALLY HARD not to spend time even investigating these new CC creams I keep hearing about. Instead, I am going to try just to stick with what works.
Anyway, this is something that can also be applied to my weight loss attempts. I have tried a lot of different diets. And none of them worked in the long term for me because they didn’t address the root of why I was eating. So now I am trying to address the root of why I eat, and it is a lot harder and a lot longer of a road than I ever would have expected it to be. It’s not a checklist of things I can do to make things “better.” It’s not a book that I can read that tells me how to “fix” things. Instead, it’s a lot of inside-my-head work, and it’s not at all linear, which means for me it is not at all easy. I like things tied up in a tidy little package. I like cause and effect. I like facts. I am not usually very comfortable in the feeling place.
The internet can, for me, be a dangerous place. If you Google “emotional eating,” you find a lot of great information, but you also find a variety of “programs” advertised that promise to help you make peace with your food or help you learn to listen to your feelings or teach you how to honor your physical hunger and use it to plan your eating. And the advertiser’s dream in me wants to sign up for every single one of them because what I am really looking for is someone who can give me a list of things that I can do that will have as an end result a healthy relationship between me and my food.
However, there is a little, surprisingly rational, voice inside me that tells me that the only way to address the root of why I eat the way I do is to wade through the shame and fear that bring me to a point where I feel like I have to numb myself (By the way, I also numb myself with other things…the internet, mindless TV watching, and online shopping are some other things that come to mind). The good news is that I have a wonderful therapist who can help me do just that. The bad news is that to do that, I have to take an enormous mental leap. But I feel like everyday, I am getting closer to taking that leap.